Dan let me help-a phanfic
by fanficarelifeforever
Summary: Dan has depression and an eating disorder, Dan needs help when he really starts harming his own body. will phil notice that Dan is getting skinnier and skinnier, that he wears long sleeves even in summer, getting more depressed every day. and most of all will phil see the dan howell that loves him. rated M for self harm and other mental illness. if you have any tips just message me
1. Chapter 1: please stop my thoughts

Phanfic part 1

*Dan's P.O.V*

I was just done making a video and was trying to edit it. God I look so fat here or am I just fat. I hope that the phandom won't notice. I was trying my best to make myself look like a human creature, but I could still see every flaw. I was drowning in my thoughts when Phil came in my room and sat down beside me.

"Dan are you still editing" he said with a sigh.

"yeah why are you asking that you knew I was editing" I said because I didn't quite understand why Phil ask me such a question. _He knew I was editing right?_

"well…" Phil waited a few seconds and got on with talking. "you usually don't take this long editing you even missed dinner for the third day in a row, it is not like you to skip a meal." Phil sounded worried. _Of course that was it fat Dan didn't show up for his favorite thing of the day_ , I thought sarcastically.

"what do you mean? I needed to make this video look good but it just won't work! And you don't need to " I snapped at Phil.

"I-I I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you or something." There was a short moment of silent again but this time it hurt. "I will leave you. Sorry-"he walked out of the room.

There I was all alone like always _. Why did I do that, I was so mean to the person that is the only light in my dark mind, the only one who could save me…who helps me through every day. It is all my fault. WHY DO I ALWAYS FUCK UP?. I can't think anymore. These thoughts need to stop. How can this stop?_

I started hyperventilating. I walked around my room, like I usually do when I feel like this. I was too tired to keep walking I sat down at my desk and saw my pencil sharpener. I remembered that I saw people who cut themselves with it on tumblr, _would it really help? Everything is better than these thoughts and feelings._ I grabbed my pencil sharpener and the screwdriver that I still had in my room because I needed it last week. I unscrewed the blade, I went to my bed and sat down. I looked at the blade, _will it help?_

I pushed it against my skin, it hurt. There was no blood so I tried again. I pushed harder and sliced it, my skin broke. First it didn't feel good but then I stopped thinking about everything. _it hurt but that was all I could think about. My arm hurts that is where I thoughts about I don't have to worry about Phil liking me or not. I don't need to think about all my bullies I used to have and still. I don't need to think about my disgusting ugly self. I want to slice my arm again and I did and a third time, fourth time, fifth time and a sixth time._

I almost felt some self-pity for the hurt. _You deserve this Daniel! You are nothing worth, you have no friend and the ones you got just fell pity for you. You are just so pathetic. Pathetic is my favorite word to describe myself._

I hided the blade in my drawer and stood up I need to clean my wounds, I walked to the kitchen where our first aids kit is. But I saw Phil instead.

"hi Dan… Dan why are you in such a hurry. What is wrong?" Dan hided his arm behind his back and hoped that he would not see his bleeding arm.

"uhm. It's nothing I was just… hungry." I said hoping Phil would buy it. Phil smiled friendly.

"I will put your food on you plate. I was about to throw your food away because I thought you would never come to get it" Phil turned around

"I am going to the bathroom" I slowly walked away. He almost saw, Phil almost saw how pathetic I was.


	2. Chapter 2: how could you do this?

Phanfic part 2

Phil's P.O.V

 _Why was Dan acting so strange. Did I do something wrong. I am really worried about him, he is my best friend after all. Yeah…. Best friend, I wish we were more than just friends but Dan could never love me. Lovely beautiful Dan… it is all my fault I should have never fell in love with my straight best friend. I hope he never finds out about it, he would be disgusted with me. But what is wrong with him. He is in the bathroom for about 15 minutes now. Should I go and make sure he is okay? Of course I should, I care about him and he is the most important person in my life._

Dan's P.O.V

I rushed to the bathroom. after I cleaned my wounds with water I sat down. _What would Phil think off my if he sees my like this. I am so pathetic._ I had so many feelings mixed together that I couldn't keep it in, I cried. _I am so stupid and pathetic. No one could ever love me especially not Phil, perfect Phil._

Phil's P.O.V

 _I walked toward the door but stopped when I heard a sound. Was- was Dan crying?_ I knocked on the door.

"Dan are you okay? Are you crying?" I heard Dan gasping. I opened the door and was in shock. "D-DAN WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?" I cried out when I saw his wrist bleeding from cuts. Dan stood up and tried to run away to his room but I grabbed his arm. I had tears in my eyes. _How can someone so beautiful as Dan do something like this to himself?_

"Dan wait please, please explain this to me." there was a short moment of silence. I looked in his eyes but they were different. They weren't the beautiful happy eyes I loved to stare at, they were empty and soulless. "Dan, let me help. You can't do this to yourself, you deserve all the happiness in the world." Dan said something really soft and I couldn't hear it properly. "what?". Dan looked at down at his feet and said "I don't deserve anything. I am worthless, I don't care... noone cares about me, so it doesn't matter." When he said that my heart broke.

 _How could Dan think he was worthless. how could he ever think that? I cared about him more than anything._ "Dan listen to me!" I said with a stern voice. "Dan you do matter, you are wonderful, beautiful, amazing and so much more! And I care about you and I always will! Don't you ever forget that." Dan looked at me his eyes now filled with tears.

"Phil you don't understand, you are so amazing everyone loves you. But no one could ever love ugly stupid pathetic Dan, even I don't love myself." _That was the worst thing I ever heard someone say. How could he think such things about himself. why can't he see himself how I see him, the most beautiful smart amazing person._ "Dan how could you say that. All of that is not true.

"I stopped and then said it, "Dan I love you". Dan suddenly burst into tears, then he said "I wish- I wish you could love me the way I loved you" very soft but I heard it though. I grabbed his head with my hand very softly and looked him in his eyes, then I moved my head toward him and kissed him. _His lips are so soft, this is everything I have ever dreamed of._ Phil felt Dan relax his muscles and Dan deepened the kiss.


	3. Chapter 3:Dan I'm here for you

Phanfic part 3

Dan's P.O.V

After we kissed we sat down on the couch I was in the corner and he sat beside me. In the peace my mind began to think again.

 _Why did he kiss me, would he like me. No he couldn't, I could never be good enough. He just felt sorry for me being so pathetic. I want to run away and never show my face again. He is probably thinking about how pathetic I am. Why do I always fuck up. This is all my fault. I ruined everything, sometimes I think everyone should be better off if I was just gone… gone forever._ Then pulled my knees to my chest and started crying. _How pathetic_. suddenly I felt an arm around me

"Dan, everything is going to be okay. Don't worry too much. Will you please tell me about how this started?". I sighed. "you don't have to tell me anything if you are not ready to." _Where should I begin? What would he think of me if he knew every single demon inside my head? Will he think that I'm crazy?_ I started to breath heavier and heavier.

"Dan relax, it's okay. I'm here for you." Phil said to me in a calming voice. I mumbled something "w-why did you?" I didn't say it clearly but Phil heard it anyways. "why did I do what Dan? What do you mean?" then something in me snapped, I pushed Phil away from me and yelled at him

"WHY DID YOU KISS ME. Why are you messing with my head. Why Phil? Why Phil? WHY? Did you feel pity for stupid pathetic Dan? Did you feel sorry because I am such a huge mess?" he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, the eyes I could stare at for hours. He didn't say anything he just slowly stood up and walked towards me, he sat down on his knees and grabbed my wrist with all the cuts on it.

I looked away because of the shame. Then I felt a soft kiss on my wrist. "relax Dan, I'm here for you. You don't have to be afraid anymore, you don't have to do this all alone. Don't be ashamed of your scars, just tell me about them, why you made them. I want to help you because I really love you and I care so much about you. You are the most important thing in my world! Don't ever forget that I will always be beside you, no matter what kind of trouble you have! I love you Daniel James Howell, I love everything about you."

He pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear "shh, it alright Dan. Please don't cry. I'm here, I've got you." I buried my face in his neck "thank you, I love you so much."


	4. Chapter 4: the voices are too loud

Phanfic part 4

Dan P.O.V

 _Dan you are worthless, you know that. Nobody likes you, they just feel pity for you. You are just a stupid naïve idiot that can't do anything right. You know Phil is sad now all because of you. You made him sad with your little depression thing, you needed to upset the person you care most about, didn't you Dan? You needed to fuck the one thing you care about up. You know what you are, you know it very well. One word, the best word to describe you…_ _ **pathetic**_ _._

 _Just look at you. Your fat thighs, your fat stomach, your fat legs, your fat arms. You know you want to see bones, beautiful bones but you are just ugly stupid pathetic Dan. Everything about you is ugly, your ugly face and your arm full of scars .The only thing you do in your life is feel sorry for you worthless self. You know that this is all your fault, don't you? Why do you need to hurt Phil? You know you can stop the worries of Phil, stop all of it. You know the solution to all of this, the last thing you can try. If you do that all the hurt will be over. I know you want to do it, it is the only thing on your mind, isn't it? DEATH. It is so easy._

 _Just one shot of a gun, were did these thoughts begun?_

 _Just one hand of random pills, and you know what it fulfills._

 _Just one vertical slice on your wrist, you know you won't be missed._

 _Just one rope around your neck, and you don't ever have to go back._

 _Just one jump in front of a train, and all those dark thoughts will leave your brain._

 _Dan just do it. No one will care. You are worthless. Kill yourself. KILL YOURSELF. DAN KILL YOURSELF_

The voices became louder and louder until I screamed and woke up. I pulled my knees to my chest and was moving back and forth. Phil came rushing in, "Dan what is wrong are you okay? D-Dan?" I heard Phil's voice next to me. He walked towards me and hugged me. "Dan please tell me what happened. Please." I looked at Phil he was crying. _I am breaking Phil, maybe those voice are right._

"It's okay, I uhm need to use the bathroom." _I need to get those thoughts out of my head, my blade it was still in the bathroom in the drawer._ "Dan can you tell me what is wrong?" Phil looked at me. _Those beautiful blue eyes, I always love to look at them. They always shine from happiness. But now… they were filled with sadness._ "I'm okay. Just a little n-nightmare, that's all." I tried to speak normal but my voice broke a little. I stood up and walked to the bathroom but Phil followed me.

"P-Phil what is it? Why are you following me?" I said still hearing the thoughts scream inside my head. "Dan… Dan are you going to h-hurt yourself again? Please don't I am here for you." Phil said with sorrow in his eyes and tears falling from them. I didn't say anything, but that was enough for Phil to know I wanted to cut. He grab my hand and pulled me into a hug.

"Dan listen to me, I want to know what is wrong with you. I want to help you. Please tell me what's wrong!" I burst into tears. He sat me down on my bed and I started talking. "Phil the voices… they are too loud. They are screaming. They are telling all my insecurities, all my flaws and they tell me that I should-" I stopped talking. Phil looked shocked at me and then opened his mouth.

"they are too loud, aren't they. They are telling you all those horrible lies. They are telling you to end it, but they are not right! You should never end your life Dan! Matter you are the most important person I know!" the voices were still loud but Phil his voice was louder. I needed to hear him to escape the prison that is my head. "Phil you need to keep talking. Please be louder than those voices. Please I know I am not worth your time but please help me."

Phil kissed my forehead. "darling you are worth my time. I love you and you mean the world to me. I can't imagine my life without you. It's all going to be okay, I promise. As long you just keep being honest and tell me how you feel" the voices were whispers now. I could think again, even if Phil just felt pity for me it was helping. "Dan I will always be there for you. Dan you should really sleep a little bit" Phil kissed me softly and put me into my bed, he was about to walk away when I grabbed his wrist. "please stay with me Phil. I am so scared." He smiled kindly, with joy in his eyes. "of course bear" he put an arm around me and we fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5: a horrific past

Phanfic part 5

Phil's P.O.V

I woke up and saw that Dan was still sleeping. I smiled softly, he was so beautiful with a ray of sunlight over his face. I walked to my room and got clean clothes for today, and walked to the shower . When I was just done with showering, I heard a voice. _Wait was Dan talking to someone but I only heard him talking? Maybe he was talking to himself? No it sounds different when he does that, maybe he is on the phone._ I tried to listen to the conversation and could hear some of it.

"It is going to be okay, just calm down for a bit." I heard Dan say in a low voice. _He does sound a bit worried, what is wrong?_ "yeah, Phil should be out of the shower in a minute just hold on for a second. "Phil, Phil are you almost done. Your mom says she needs to talk to you, she is on the phone right now." I heard Dan yelling from the living room. "Okay, I'm coming." I said while walking towards the living room. Dan gave me the phone and I heard my mom panicking voice.

"Mom what is wrong?" I said while Dan walked towards his room, so I got some privacy. "H-honey I can't stay here with your dad now" my mom said with a soft voice. You could hear she was scared or afraid of something or someone. "Mom what happened? Are you okay?" I am really worried, I know how my dad used to be… and it is not good. "well.. uhm, your dad just got fired 2 weeks ago and he started drinking again and he… uhm" I knew it, I need to know what happened. "mom is dad aggressive again? Did h-he... b-beat you again?"

my dad has anger issues and is a alcoholic and he went to anger management a few years ago but it didn't completely help. I knew I should have been there for my mom. he told he stopped drinking "…" my mom was silent, that is enough for me to know what's up. I got tears in my eyes, she didn't deserve this!

"m-mom please tell me that you are okay?" I hope she is okay, I am really worried about her. When I used to live with my parents, my dad used to only beat me… but when I went to college, he couldn't beat me up anymore so he started beating my mom up. He is horrible and made my life and my mom's life a living hell.

"darling, can- can I please stay with you for a bit. I will move to a own place but need a place to stay during that period of time." He broke her… he broke the person that was always there for me. I silently cry, the tear just fell and keep falling. "y-you can live here until everything is solved. I will see you soon then." I feel horrible, first I discover thing about Dan and now this. I feel like I am drowning in the all my feelings that I bottled up… but I can't break now, Dan needs me and my mom needs me more than she ever did.

"thank you so much philli- Phil. Bye." she knows I hate to be called Phillip because that is how my dad would only call me, I don't hate him even if he deserve it. I just can't hate him but I never understood why he always saw me as a failure. It is probably just my own stupid fault, I always fuck everything up. Maybe I deserved it…

Dan's P.O.V

I heard that Phil stopped calling so I walked back into the living room. _Omg what happened with Phil, is- is he crying._ I stood in shock while looking at Phil who was curled into a ball and crying. "P-Phil, what happened" I said softly, he jumped a little bit because he didn't saw that I came into the room. I saw him opening his mouth but closing it after a few seconds. He looked broken, his eyes didn't shine from brightness like they usually do. They were filled with sorrow, sadness, loneliness, agony, hopelessness, hurt and grief… I could see all those things in his eyes but most of all his eyes where empty.


	6. Chapter 6: a human failure

Phanfic part 6

Phil's P.O.V

I looked up and saw Dan. I wiped my eye with my sleeve "I'm o-okay…"I tried to keep a normal voice but my voice broke. Dan looked straight into my eyes "no you are not okay, Phil please tell me what's wrong!" Dan sounded a bit angry but most of all worried.

"You know how I told about my dad, and that we don't really have contact anymore?" I didn't know where to begin so I began there. "yes, you have mention that." I took a breath and continued. "he- he has anger issues and he is very violent" I said while Dan sat down beside me and put his arm around me. "go on, sweetheart." I thought about how I could tell him the rest without breaking completely.

"he is very aggressive and he is a alcoholic… I thought he stopped drinking, I really thought that! But he didn't and he is… uhm he is beating my mom. He always was like this but my mom cannot handle it anymore and wants to move out so I said she can stay here until things are better, please don't be mad" I was so scared but Dan didn't say anything, he hugged me.

"darling of course I am not mad. Your mom is more than welcome. It is horrible to hear this and if I can help, please ask for my help. Can I ask you something and you need to answer truthfully!" I am glad Dan is not mad and I am so happy Dan wants to help but I need to fix this. this is all my fault!

"w-what is the question?" I looked away but Dan softly grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. "did your father ever beat you? Please answer honestly Phil" I gasped and felt like drowning in my own tears. " Y-Yes he did" I said after a moment. "Phil-" Dan said before I interrupted him. "no it's okay. Just help me with helping my mom okay?" he looked sad "okay.. but if you ever want to talk I am always here for you" he said and then kissed my forehead. "It is going to be okay, lovely." Dan said in my ear.

I stood up and walked toward my room. "I-uhm- can I be alone for a little bit. I am kind of shocked by all of this." I feel like hiding in my room and never coming out of it. "okay darling. I am going to the store and I will be back in about 1 hour. See you soon" I locked my door and sat down on my bed.

 _I am so stupid. This is all my fault, my dad was right all this time. I am just a wasted of space. Just human failure. Why do I even exist._

I feel horrible like I used to feel when I was younger. I used to be really depressed and suicidal. This is why I understand how Dan is feeling. I rolled up my sleeves.

 _You could still see the old scars. I have been clean for like 3 years now. Scars… the prove of how weak I am. how pathetic I am_.

I have tried to kill myself but my mom found me in the bathroom with my huge cuts in my arms. When I got out of the mental hospital my mom was there for me but my dad always called me pathetic and attention seeker.

 _He hated me but he didn't hate me as much as I hate myself. It would be horrible if everyone would see me the way I see myself. I am pathetic, stupid, worthless, ugly, weak… I am just a huge failure._

I walked towards the bathroom, Dan his blade was still there. I grabbed it and looked at it. _I want to be in control of my feelings. I want to feel the pain. Should I do it…_ I thought while holding the blade against my arm. SLICE… I felt my skin break open and saw the blood slowly coming in the cut. I missed this feeling. Slice, slice, slice… I deserve this. Slice, slice, slice… _how wonderful, feeling the pain. This is real pain, not the mental pain I always have. I can control this, so delightful._ When the cuts stopped bleeding I put my sleeve down and I took a breath. All my thoughts are cleared.

When Dan came back I heard him talking, my mom… I walked towards the door and hugged her.

"mom are you alright?" I looked at her she only had a bruise on her arm. The bastard! "I am alright sweetheart. It is late, shall I make some dinner or did you already eat?" I saw Dan jump a little bit and he quickly said "yes I already eat I'm fine." I don't know why he does like that. I told her that I already ate and she made dinner for herself.

When she went to bed, Dan and I just watched some Television. "are you okay Phil?" Dan asked me after a while. "yeah I am kinda fine. How about you?" he looked at me and said "I don't know but we just need to focus on your mom. I will help you sweetheart" and kissed me. I thought I saw someone through the window, it probably was nothing. "thank you" I said and softly smiled. After 5 minutes Dan went to bed and I heard a knock on the door, who could that be around this time?

I opened the door and saw my dad… "hello Phillip, you little faggot where is your mom?" he said with anger in his voice. He smelled like alcohol. I back away until I was in the kitchen. "W-What do you want? Just leave you are not welcome here!" I said harshly, a horrible mistake. He hit me in my stomach and when I tried to run he grabbed my arm, I gashed because of his nails in my fresh cuts.

He smiled evilly. "so you still are a stupid attention seeker" he rolled my sleeve up and saw the open cuts. "I know something, you love pain don't you stupid faggot?" he grabbed the salt of the kitchen desk. "no- no please don't do it, I beg you. Please…"I said with tears in my eyes.

He poured the salt over all my cuts. It stings horribly, this is more horrible than hell would ever be… "aw how pathetic. Maybe your little faggot boyfriend want to give a kiss on it. I saw you pathetic disgusting human beings kiss. You are not my son, you are just a pathetic stupid disgusting failure." He said while he walked out of the door. _I am the biggest failure alive, well you can't call me alive anymore._

 _I am dead inside._


	7. Chapter 7: talk to me little lion

Phanfic part 7

Dan P.O.V

I woke up by some noise, it was a mixture of crying and something falling down. _Maybe it is Phil's mom. She has been through a lot the last few day so I would understand it is she was crying._ I stood up and walk towards the kitchen when I saw Phil trying to grab the first aid kid. _What is Phil doing, is he hurt? How can he be hurt it is the middle of the night._ "Phil what are you doing sweetheart?" I ask with a calm voice, while turning on the kitchen light.

He completely froze. He slowly turned his head and opened his mouth but after a second he closed it and stared at me with his blank eyes that were filled with tears. _Phil looks so broken, what has happened to the strong and happy person I loved. Is this my fault, is this all because of me? Did I break the one person I love the most. The person that helped me when I was completely broken and didn't know what to do…_

"P-Phil what is wrong? What happened ? have you been crying?" I said softly while fighting my own tears back , _I can't cry now, not this time! This time Phil needs me._ I tried to pull Phil into hug but when I grabbed his wrist he let out a gasp of pain. I instantly let go of him. _I know that reaction, that is reaction I have when people grab my wrist. But Phil would never cut or would he… he is trying to grab the first aid kid while he is crying, could he really have done something to himself._

I grabbed his wrist I needed to know what was under his sleeve. "Dan, stop! You are hurting me. Dan please let go." Phil cried out while I rolled his sleeve up. When I saw his arm I was completely in shock. There where deep cuts that were still fresh, but there was something in the cut, something like sugar or … no it can't be salt. That would sting so much. "Phil…" I stopped talking for a moment and Phil looked at his feet. "Phil did you do this to yourself?" I asked him but he didn't respond. I grabbed his chin softly "Phil look at me!" I said with a slightly harsh voice. I don't want to talk to him that way, but I am so in shock, I- I just can't believe it. "Phil, did you do this to yourself?" he finally spoke to me.

"I... I did the c-cuts but not the s-salt" wait _if Phil didn't do that to himself who did?_ "darling, you need to tell me who did it? Can you do that?" I asked him while brushing through his hair with my hand. "my dad, he- he saw us watching the movie and…" Phil stopped for a moment and while he took a breath, my mind could think about all of this. _how could a father do something like that to his child? Why would he even do something like that? Was it my fault for not protecting him?_ Phil paused my thoughts when he began to speak again. "He saw us kiss and called me a faggot and said I am not his son anymore… and he called me a pathetic stupid disgusting failure" _this horrific how could someone say that about Phil. He is the best beautifulness smartest person in the whole world. He is my whole world, my amazing perfect world._

Phil's P.O.V

" _pathetic stupid disgusting failure" I could hear his voice echo through my mind. "stupid attention seeker" I don't want anyone to find out but now Dan already knows it, I don't want my lovely bear to worry about me…_ Dan could see that I was thinking too many negative thoughts at once and he saw I was almost at the point of breaking, _can I even break at this point I am already as broken as I could be._ "sweetheart we need to clean your cu- wounds" he grabbed me softly and lead me to the first aid kid on the countertop. "this is going to hurt a little bit, sorry little lion" he kissed my forehead " just keep being strong." _I am not strong. I am weak. I am pathetic. I am the exact opposite of strong._ When he was done cleaning my cuts and put a big bandage on it he told me to go sit on the couch and talk. After something that felt like an eternity we were done talking.

I told him about my father beating me in the past, and the fights we had at home. I told him about every name he called me and that that was why I first started cutting. I told him about my mental breakdown from today and assured him I wouldn't cut anymore… I know I can't keep that promise but he doesn't deserve to be worried. And I told him everything that happened today. I kept crying silently while he had his arm around me.

"darling it is late we should go to sleep" I heard Dan say with a sleepy voice. My eyes widened, _I can't go to sleep now. My head is spinning and full of my thought I used to have. I still had them the last years but not as much as it used to be._ "o-okay" we walked to our rooms but when Dan was by his room and I wanted to walk further to my room, he grabbed my shoulder. "sweetheart do you want to stay with me? You look a little bit scared. I would love to hold you until you fall asleep, I don't want you to feel alone." Without saying anything Dan let me in his room. I lied down on the bed for not even a second and I felt his arms around me. In his arms I feel so safe and calm. I buried my head into his arm and whispered "I love you, and thank you so much for being there for me" he kissed my neck softly and said "no problem little lion, I love you with all the love I got and I will never let anyone or anything hurt you!" where should I be without him, I can't even explain my love for him. There are no words to describe how much I love him.


	8. Chapter 8: did i fuck up?

Phanfic part 8

Phil's P.O.V

"morning sunshine" I heard a sleepy but sweet voice say, it was Dan. _Wait how did I end up in his bed._ I thought back what happened that night… _my mom, my dad, the pain and DAN KNOWS. I don't need to panic but why am I panicking. Is he judging me, did I make his life harder this way… did I ruin everything._ "darling" Dan paused and brushed his hand through my hair. "darling everything is okay. Please don't panic. I can feel your heartbeat here" he kissed my forehead and smiled. "T-thanks, I'm feeling a lot better today. are you okay yourself? " he stood up and grabbed his clothes and a towel. "yeah I feel pretty okay Phil. Try to sleep for a few minutes, if your mom asked why you are in my bed say that I slept on the couch. I'm going to shower." he kissed me softly. while we were both blushing he pulled away and walked to the shower. _Is everything going to be okay? I don't know anymore._ I tried to sleep but my thoughts kept me awake.

Dan's P.O.V

I stepped on the scale, it is beginning to be a morning routine for me. 154 pounds… _I just lost 5 pound over the last week, I can't do anything right._ The first time I stood on that scale it was 165 pounds the " ideal weight" for someone that is 6'3 but it can't be right because when I look in the mirror I only see a stupid fat loser who can't do anything right. I walked to the mirror and looked at myself. _So pathetic… so ugly and stupid, no wonder nobody likes you and if they say they do they just feel sorry for you. You are so fat. Look at your fat belly and your fat legs. I can't even see a hipbone._ I stepped in the shower and drowned in all my negative thoughts.

Phil's P.O.V

I could not get back to sleep so I went to make some breakfast. I was going to make some Delia Smith pancakes when my mom touched my shoulder. I moved quickly with a gasp because of everything that happened yesterday. "Phil, what is wrong?" my mom said with a bit concern. "nothing I was just uhm thinking. How are you today?" my mom faced turned a little bit happier.

"I am quite happy actually. I will leave this noon. I found a place I can stay for a while in London but it is on the complete other side from where you live honey so I won't be seeing you very often" my mom told me still smiling. "and I think I am going to talk with you dad to see if everything is okay." my mom said and my eyes widened. I don't want her to be in danger. "mom please don't go back to dad or tell him where you live, you know he always been like that and he isn't going to change!" my mom looked mad. "This isn't how I raised you! He is your father and you can't talk about him that way!" it hurts me that she is mad at me right now.

 _I am so stupid if I let her see him. He is dangerous. I don't want her to get hurt._ "mom he is dangerous you know that! Look at your bruises, he did that!" I don't want to be so harsh but she needs to understand that it is dangerous. "PHILIP LESTER, LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW!HE IS YOUR FATHER AND YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT HIM THIS WAY!" she took a breath and I looked at her shocked "If I want to talk to him, I can do that! And it is a disgrace that you don't trust him nor my decisions" she grabbed her stuff and walked to the door. "I love you honey but I can live my own life. I am going to go. Say goodbye to Dan for me" and my mom walked out of the door.

 _Why do I always fuck up. I fucked everything up. My mom now probably hates me, my dad definitely hates me and I just make Dan's life more difficult._

 _(hi I am Sanne the writer of this Phanfic if you like it review it, I love to read reviews and if you want to suggest thing or talk to me about the Phanfic or anything you can kik me sannethephangirl or dm me on Instagram phangirl_forever_phan. I love to hear from you guys and it gives me a reason to write the Phanfic faster)_


	9. Chapter 9: everything is okay?

Phanfiction part 9

Dan's P.O.V

"Phil I'm back" I yelled when I came home from the store. "Phil?" I walked out of the living room and into his room. I was kind of feeling tired because I haven't eaten today and I hope Phil won't notice. That's weird, Phil was lying in his bed at 3 pm. He is always editing videos or gaming at this moment of the day but now he was just looking at the ceiling. "Phil is something wrong?" I saw Phil slowly turning his head and he casually said "no, just tired" Phil looked at me for a little while and then opened his mouth again "Dan you look really ill. You look even whiter than me." I smiled softly and told him it was nothing and I felt okay.

After that I went to my room. I purchased a new sharpeners, I purchased 2. The first one because Phil took my blades and thrown them away and I really need them. I can't hold it together sometimes and the second one because I am going to hold a food journal. I read on a proana site it can really help if I keep myself to a diet but not an normal diet but a abcdiet. That is a special anadiet, abc stands for ana boot camp. I also purchased new sport clothing and I was surprised because my last pair was a size bigger, maybe they are just a bit bigger I don't know. The rest of the stuff is just normal trash.

Phil's P.O.V

 _I am so stupid. I already failed my dad and my mom and now I don't even help Dan. I try, I try really hard but I can't right now._ I stood up and walked to the door of my room but walked back after a few seconds _. I need to ask Dan how is going. I should just check on him, I don't know if he is still harming himself I don't want to fail him too. I will make special dinner for him._

After I made dinner for me and Dan I walked to his room. "Dan" I knocked on the door. He didn't opened so I just opened it and saw Dan lying in his internet browsing position. He had his headphones on that is probably why he couldn't hear me.

"Dan" I sat down beside him and he jumped in fear. He closed his laptop really fast and sat upright. "ow, hi Phil. What's up?" I ignored the weird behavior "Dan I have a surprise." I told happily and grabbed his hand. "follow me please" I walked to the table where his favorite dinner was. "it is not much but I just wanted to make you a little happier, you looked a little down today" he look at the food with big eyes. "D-Don't you like it?" my smile faded a little and he look e into the eyes and said "no, no. I love it. It's lovely, thank you."

Dan's P.O.V

 _I can't eat this. I may not eat this. I can't allow all these calories to enter my body but I can't upset Phil and he will notice that I don't eat if I now disagree._

After we ate everything Phil went to his room to edit and I went to my room. I didn't know what to do if I let this be in my body I will become even fatter, Phil would never want me nor anyone else. I won't be good enough… _I don't have to let it be in my body._ I walked to the bathroom very silently without Phil noticing. I sat down on my knees and pushed my hair out of my face. I pushed my fingers down my throat. I gagged but couldn't puke. I tried it over and over again until I couldn't anymore. I fail at everything. I will never be skinny enough. I let a tear fall and walked out of the bathroom and bummed into Phil.

"Dan" he look at me with open eyes. He didn't say anything for a while and then he asked the question that he needed to ask. "Dan, did you c-cut yourself again? Not only about this time but I mean after I found out." I didn't know how to answer. I did cut a few times but on the other side of my arm and a little bit higher but I don't want to tell him that. "n-no, of course not" he look me straight into my eyes.

"show me your wrist, please?" I showed him my wrist carefully that he couldn't see my scars on my arm. He hugged me with tears in his eyes. "I am proud of your bear. If anything is bothering you please tell it to me. I really care about you." He kissed me forehead. I hate that I lied but I have to. I kissed him on his lips. I feel so bad for lying to him. I needed to go to my room before I would break and tell him everything. After he broke the kiss I told him I needed to finish editing a video.

I haven't felt so down in a week. I look at my new sharpener but decided against it. I deserve this hurt but Phil doesn't. I jumped on my bed and hugged my Haru pillow and cried myself in sleep.


	10. Chapter 10: i hope people can change

Phanfiction part 10

Phil's P.O.V

 _I hope Dan is feeling okay I heard him walking around his room this night. he does it a lot but it has been more than usual the last month. I know this is just a little thing but these were the little things that I didn't see when Dan was sad or even worse… depressed. I want to confront him with it but I don't want him to get mad. I don't want him to leave me too, like me father and my mom just did. It is just all my fault._

I walked towards Dan his room and knocked on the door. "Dan, hello are you awake?" I heard Dan stand up so I waited patiently. When he opened I was a little bit shocked. His eyes were red, I think from crying. He had big bag under his eyes, probably because of the lack of sleep. He looked fragile like he could burst into tears every second but knowing Dan he just bottled his feeling until it was too late. I just want to help him. I care about him and love him.

"can I come in?" I while he ran a hand through his messy hair. "uhm, okay. Where do you want to talk about? A idea for a video? Borrow something?" we sat down on his bed. "Dan, you know you can be honest with me? you know you can always tell me your problems, right?" Dan looked at me because he didn't quite know what I was talking about. "yeah, same for you but… what is with that?" I took a breath and continued

"I heard you walking around your room again tonight. Is something wrong?" Dan looked at me with a bit of rage but you could see more sadness in his eyes. "I always walk in my room, you know that. Just a little existential crisis." I sighed. "Dan that is not normal maybe only for you but for everyone else it isn't. it happens more the last month, if there is something wrong you know you can talk to me." Dan stood up "well Phil, not everyone can see the fucking good things in everything like you! Everything is just fucked up but I don't want to make your life negative because of me." Dan said with a slight bit of anger. "Dan, not everything is perfect but we can make the best of it. I can help." Dan turned and looked straight into my eyes, my heart skipped a beat. "you don't need to help me, you don't deserve my negativity and pain. Don't waste your time on me. you deserve better and I could never be good enough" my heart broke. Dan thought he wasn't good enough for me. "Dan that is not true. I don't waste my time if I help you! I want to help because I care about you, I always did. I want to make sure you are okay and make the best of your life. And of course you are good enough. You are sweet, intelligent and beautiful."

Dan's P.O.V

 _He doesn't mean that. He know he can get better than me. I am not intelligent, I am that stupid college dropout who can't do anything right. Beautiful… I am the opposite of beautiful. I am ugly, fat and stupid. I don't deserve someone as perfect as Phil._

"I don't see myself like that and I would like to stop talking about this. Please" I said while I fought the tears back. "ugh okay… I just want to fucking help you Dan! I am worried but you won't talk to me." Phil said and he stood up and walked out of my room.

 _Nobody cares about me. even Phil will leave._ I grabbed me blade. I already removed it from the sharpener. _It won't matter now. Nobody will notice because nobody cares about me. I deserve it, I deserve the pain. I just want to escape this place and drown in my pain and not drown in my thoughts for once._ I pressed the blade against me skin and cut it. I could see my skin rip open and the blood filling the gap _._ I couldn't concentrate on anything else than the cut. _I missed this feeling._ I pressed a little harder this time and made a bigger cut _._ the cuts were still baby cuts but I wanted to feel more. I needed to know that sadness was the only thing I could feel.

When I was done I put the blade in the corner of a picture frame, where you couldn't see it. I walked to Phil but he was on the phone. "yes miss Howell I will tell Dan. Okay so Thursday around 5pm. Okay I will tell Dan you called and I see you soon." Phil hang up. "what the fuck. Why where you calling my mom?" Phil puts a hand on my shoulder. "she called us. Your mom and dad are coming to eat dinner on-" I interrupted Phil "yeah I know. On Thursday around 5pm. I heard it. Who are coming to dinner"

"your mom" Phil said. "and dad" my eyes widened. "no, no ,no. he can't come!" Phil looked surprised. He didn't know my dad he only saw him a few times. "what is wrong Dan? Your dad looks nice I have seen him." I was freaking out. "no, I can't see him. Why the fuck would he even want to visit." Phil just looked at me without understanding anything. "well, weirdly enough he said the last time he saw you was when you were 16 and went to college early. You mom told me she did see you the past years a few times." _Fuck, can't explain why I try to avoid me father_. "yeah. I saw my mom on the holidays but we went to her side of the family and my father to his side and further I haven't been home." I calmed down a little.

"Dan, chill down they will only stay one is your family" my heart stopped… one night. "what do you mean one night?" I said slowly. "well they don't leave close so I asked if they wanted to stay here till morning or noon." he told me. "Dan, is something wrong? Did your father do something and are you now scared or something? Did he hit you or-" I quickly answered. "no, umh… I was just surprised. Yeah, that's all." _Nice move Dan, lying to your boyfriend when he just tries to help._ I tried to make myself stop thinking those thoughts. "okay, so my parents come in two days. That's okay." Phil facepalmed. "Darling, tomorrow is Thursday." _Fuck, I need to see my horrific father tomorrow. I hope people can change. I hope it so much._


	11. Chapter 11: what is bothering you?

Phanfiction part 11

Dan's P.O.V

I woke up with a loud scream. I could not control my breathing and was confused because of my nightmare. I heard Phil rushing to my room. "Dan what happened ? are you okay? "he said while sitting beside me on the bed. He try to put his hand on me and I jumped a little bit. "uhm, I'm okay just a nightmare" I said while I tried to control my breathing "Dan I'm starting to get really worried. You look really pale and scared. Nothing like you normally are" he looked sad at me.

I tried to get up but Phil grabbed my arm. "where the fuck do you think you are going?! You really need some sleep Dan it is fucking 3 am!" oh my god, Phil actually cursed. "I can't sleep." I winced. I know he won't let me get away that easily. before I knew he grabbed my arm and laid me beside him. "but-" I tried to protest. I was still a worrying about today and could never sleep now. "get some sleep please." He whispered while putting an arm around me. I feel so safe in his arm, I could forget everything and clear my mind. _How could it be that such an amazing person loves me, I don't deserve him but I want him. I love him._ I smiled slightly before drifting into a comfortable, dreamless sleep.

I woke up after a few hours of sleep by the sound of our doorbell. I sat up as fast as possible and was panicking. Oh god are that my parents but it is morning it can't be… I rushed to the door and slowly opened it. "hi Dan I forgot the key" Phil said with his face as red as a tomato. "are you okay? You look frightened. Are you scared because your parents are coming today?" Phil asked with a serious face "no just a little bit nervous. I'm fine" Phil walked to the kitchen and but the bag on the counter. "I got grocery for dinner. I really want to impresses your parents. I never really met them. Like I met them both but never really talked or something. "

I looked on my phone. _Just two more hours and hell will begin_. "how long will they stay?" I asked Phil. he sighed "I already told you" I am so stupid, I couldn't listen what Phil really said because I was panicking too much. "s-sorry" I said softly. I grabbed my chin softly and kissed me. I first was in shock but then kissed back. "don't be sorry. They stay one night. I forgot to ask, we only have one guest room with one bed so can your father maybe sleep in your room. We do have an air mattress and I think your mom would like more privacy. If you're okay with that"

 _No no no. please don't. I can't… please not._ "n-no" I tried to control my voice "no, I don't want that" Phil looked confused. "Dan, why not? Can you explain it to me?" my mind was blank. _How can I say no if I don't give a reason._ "uhm… never mind it. It's fine. I guess." I don't want Phil to question anything or be upset. "are you sure?" I looked deep into his eyes. It hurts to lie to someone you love… but I have no choice. "yeah I'm sure" I softly smiled so he would believe me.

Phil's P.O.V

"Dan, Dan where are you?" I shouted while looking for Dan in the house. When I finnaly found him I saw him lying on his bed with his earphones in. "Dan" when I touched his shoulder he jumped away in fear. "Dan? What is wrong ? you are acting very weird the last few days." He sat up and took his earphones out. "uhm.. sorry I didn't see you so I just… I don't know. I was surprised." He said without even looking at me. "Dan your parents will be here in a few minutes. I wanted to ask you if you are okay with telling your parents about us. Only if you are ready though!" he looked at me without saying anything. He was somewhere else in his mind and I want to know what he thinks. "y-yeah that is fine with me" I heard him say with a little hesitation. "okay shall we tell them after dinner, only if it is okay with you." I said while I tried to look him in his eyes. "yeah it is okay. I promise." He kissed me and continued "I love you and that isn't something that needs to be hidden" he smiled softly. I haven't seen him smile the last days, well not really. He fakes a smile now and then but I can see that. I just hope everything is okay

This is not like normal parts but I haven't had time to write and I haven't been feeling that well mentally but I will post more from now on I think the next part is online tomorrow. This part was supposed to be longer but I needed to cut it off sorry.


	12. Chapter 12: what is wrong?

**/thank you guys for the positive comment I have more time now so I will be writing more. I love to hear any suggestions and reviews. you can contact me phangirl_forever_phan on Instagram and I do read the reviews that are being posted on this Phanfic. and thank you guys so much for the support ^-^ have fun reading/**

Phils P.O.V

"Dan...? Dan? hello?" Dan wasn't paying attention. He was staring out of the window again, he has been acting strange since his parents arrived. "Dan are you okay" I touched his shoulder and Dan Instantly winced and stood up. "are you okay? did I do something wrong? I am sorry If I did" I quickly said, I hope I didn't hurt him or something

"Phil, Its just... uhm well. I can't explain okay?! " I took a step back when Dan snapped at me . "what Is wrong with you today? I am just trying to make It a great day for you and your parents and you keep ruining everything "

I saw Dan's eyes watering "Dan... I am sorry, I didn't mean It like that. please Dan sorry" Dan looked at me without any emotions "no you were right, I keep ruining everything." before I could say anything else Dan rushed to his room and locked the door.

Dan's P.O.V

why did everything end up this way?... everything was going a bit better, and with one phone call It was ruined.

I unlocked the door and walked Into my father. "uhm... sorry" I tried to go around him but he wouldn't let me. "Daniel, why can't we talk anymore, like we used to? " he said It so quiet that It almost sounded like whispering, I felt the shivers In my spine.

"let me through" he look me In the eyes o I turned my head away. " Daniel for god sake look at me when I speak!" I froze In place when he started almost yelling "what a good boy he finally listed, I asked you something, so answer!" I wanted to get away as fast as possible but I was completely corned between him and the wall beside my door.

"we never talked In the first place. you just commanded me and I needed to listen, so don't you dare and pretend like you were a good father! because you aren't a good father and you will never be one! and now you got you answer , let me through!"

"ow darling, you just made a huge mistake talking like this to me, and I promise you. you will pay for how you acted the whole day. but I got to go to your mom. bye Daniel" he brushed his hand across my face, I pulled my face away and he left. I stood there still In shock and disbelieve.


	13. Chapter 13: I will protect you

Phanfic part 12

 **Hey guys I'm back. My laptop is finally fixed and I will be writing more because of summer vacation. I wanted to ask if you guys would rather have me continue this fanfic or start a new one. Pls message me on Instagram: phangirl_forever_phan or here in reviews or direct message. I hope you like this chapter. I've gone back and edit some chapters.**

Dan's P.O.V

Phil has been cooking with my mom all evening and I have just locked myself in Phil's room, I always feel safer there. While my father watched football. I really hate having my family here. It feels like I'm back in "09… atleast I have Phil now.

"Dan" someone knocked on the door. "Who is-s there?" I tried to keep calm. "It's me, Phil."

I sighed in relief. " come in." Phil walked in and sat down next to me. " Dan you have been acting strange, are you okay? It is okay if you aren't" I looked down at my hands. "its okay." He tried hugging me but I pulled away. I don't meant to do that. I love Phil, I want him to comfort me but I just can't right now

"sorry bear, I know you need some space right now. I actually came here to ask something." _Oh no, is he mad. Did I fuck up…_

"don't worry, its nothing bad. I just wanted to ask if I could tell your parents about us. That way you can just stay with me tonight. I know you don't want to sleep in your room alone nor with your father. I don't know why but you will tell when you're ready"

 _He wants to t-tell. But then he will protect me. and tomorrow they will be gone anyway._

 _They hate me anyways. They already think I'm pathetic and disgusting. What do I got to lose…_

"Dan?" shit I dosed off again. "uhm yeah that is okay, if you promise to help me tell them." I satthere for a while. "Dan are you really okay?" _no I am not…_ "n-not at all"

"oh Dan, can I please give you a hug. You don't have to do this all alone anymore." I let one tear fall and then scootched over to Phil, for a hug.

"why are you so nice for me, I- I don't deserve your love. Why?" Phil ran his fingers through his hair. "hush just get some sleep before dinner." He tucked me into bed and kissed my head. " I will be in the kitchen. If you need anything, anything at all, just call me."Phil left to room.


	14. Chapter 14: daddy i'm sorry

Dan's P.O.V

"I'm sorry daddy. Please I tried my best" he stepped in front of me. he was so close I could smell the alcohol off him "you are a useless piece of shit. I wish you were never born" I knew what was about to happen. I stepped back and covered my face with my arms.

He hit me four times, three lefts and a right in the face. I stumbled back, blood was rushing from my nose. "please, please don't hurt him" I saw my mom rushing to me. I fell to the ground feeling dizzy. "Danny, darling are you okay? " she hold me and whispered to me.

"it's going to be okay. You have to get up. Be my strong little boy and lock yourself upstairs in your room. It's going to be okay" she said and then received a punch from my father. "fucking stop. You are worthless and that piece of shit too. He should just do what is say. He deserve to get beaten. You too you stupid whore"

I got up and ran upstairs. I closed my door shut and locked it. "Daniel you fucking lazy shit come back" I pulled my knees to my chest, and felt the tears pouring down my face. I heard him run up the stairs. "open the fucking door you fuck pathetic excuse of a son. If you were a good son you wouldn't have fucked up"

I heard I'm kick the door. "fucking hell" he walked back. "you fucking whore if you raised him right I wouldn't have needed to do this." He yelled at my mom.

I put on my headphones to block the awful sounds. This is all my fault, it's all my fucking fault.

"its all my fault. It was all my fault" I was short of breath. "Dan, Dan what's wrong?" Phil sat next to me on the bed. Phil's bed. I am in our house. I'm save, it was just a dream. Just a memory.

"Dan, are you okay?" Phil looked so worried and so scared. This is all my fault. What if he hurts Phil it would be all my fucking fault.


End file.
